Life as we know it

I am so tired of half way friends who promise to always be there and then forget about you cause obviously they never really cared….. I mean if you don’t wanna be a deep set friend that’s okay just don’t get my hopes up cause that’s not cool and I already hurt enough without you making me feel like I’m worthless….

I sit here and I realize,not for the first time or the last, that I am a disgusting human being. I hurt and ruin everything I touch, even if I love someone with all my heart I hurt them…. I don’t even mean to I just say things and it’s like i’m trying to push them away and get them to hate me cause I’m terrified of being happy. I don’t deserve any of these people, I truly am a piece of trash and no amount of therapy will change that. I’ll always be a worthless piece of shit that deserves nothing. Even if I love people and I try my hardest, I ruin it. I don’t mean to do these things… I want so badly to make people happy and to have them love me but I make it impossible for them. I ruin it just like I ruin everything else. I’m so sorry I’m like this, I truly am with every once of me, you all deserve so much better than a worthless pathetic piece of shit like me.

So last night I had a complete and utter break down… I walked into my moms room to ask for a antihistamine and tears came out of no where. To put out simply I sobbed into my moms chest almost yelling something along the lines of “I don’t wanna be here any more! I hurt so badly I wanna die so bad. please I just can’t do it anymore… I just hurt…., and on top of that it wasn’t the cute kind of crying you see in movies(I never is, ugly crying is universal) it was the snot-everywhere-your-face-is-some-weird-dark-pink-color-and-your-vocabulary-is-cut-down-to-first-grade-level kind of crying. >.

Hey relapse, how you doing?

So the effect of the move has finally hit me… I’m leaving and if it’s anything like when I lives in Maryland only like four people will make an effort to keep contact with me. I hope that people don’t just forget about me and move on. This is fucking terrifying and to be completely honest I’m crying so much all the time because I don’t wanna go somewhere new and make new friends and lose old ones. I don’t wanna relapse because my depression and anxiety are getting so bad cause if the move. I’m almost two months clean on self harm and a month clean with my ED. But the only way I’ve coped for a long time is to purge and self harm but I can’t hurt my family anymore they’re trying so hard to make everything work and I can’t ruin it cause I’m unstable, even if my friends forget about me I have to put on a strong mask cause I can’t ruin this for everyone. Someone please come be best friends with me and cuddle and promise to visit so I don’t obsess over getting abandoned. But on the bright side I’m using my coping skills, admitting where I’m hurting, identifying why and handling it pretty well so at least we have good news

So for my new job I have to get a pair of khaki’s and the search so far has gone horrid.. Yesterday I went to Valley View mall in Dallas and I was fucking pissed off because I went to JC Penny’s and the largest size they had in the juniors was fives… I mean I already have HORRID body issues and that just made me feel like this


And then today I was at Walmart and I was trying on a pair of pants and was already having a REALLY bad day and wasn’t feeling well and when I walked out to show mom the pants her exact words were “yeah, those are okay. They make you look less fat. you still bulge though” and honestly I mean WHAT THE FUCKING HELL

I am feeling rather shitty… I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow(I hate being around that many people…), I feel like the worlds shittest person. I’m laying in bed re-evaluating my self and I just I really do dispise almost everything about my shitty self. I feel as though I’m a horrible friend, sub, girlfriend, anything I am to someone I fucking feel like I fail. And on top of this mess Jake is going to jail most likely tomorrow… I just wanna curl up and cry…

I was feeling fine, then I laid down and now I feel like shit I’m over thinking everything, my body hurts, I’m feeling more depressed, and just… -sigh- I feel like I don’t have friends any more. I feel really alone… I just I hate being constantly lonely

I know Jake says I’m fine the way I am but I can’t help thinking he’ll leave because I’m me… the more I evaluate myself the more I feel like I’m a shitty version of Elizabeth Wurtzel. I would very much just like to feel better..

I want to die, I want nothing more then to just be a peace. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know if I ever will be I just can’t do this(be me) I hurts to much for some unknown reason. I know bad shit has happened to me but at this point nothing bad needs to happen for me to have a perfectly miserable time….

God it felt so good to cut even if it was just this little bit

I want just cry… I’m discusting, my brother thinks I’m gross, I think I’m gross. I just wanna curl up and no long be around anyone…. I’m sorry guys

It’s almost comical how fast things went from great to shit after Jake left… I had in my opinion one of the best night ever with him tonight… I dunno he made me feel safe and secure, he’s brilliant and kind and all around an amazing guy he left about twenty minutes ago and not even two minutes after he left did mom and me start talking and had what basically ended in my crying saying “I’m worthless and a piece of shit… I can’t do anything right. I have no motivation to do anything all I wanna do is lay here and be sad and wait to die… it’s the only thing I’m good at” after this mom left to work with out saying much and now I lay in bed needing to find my stuffed doggie, S’mores. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically, I’m headed to sleep for and extended period of time, night

In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There’s an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts

Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing
It is you that took my first away from me
It is you I set my standards to… to every walk of life
I haven’t met another you since you were with me.

[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done

In a way, I failed religion
I spit the wine from mouth to cup
And I reached for something more than just your God
Uncle, you spared not your children
And while your praying hands are up
There’s no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck!

It is you that I remember in their bedroom
It is you that took their first away from them
It is you they set their standards to
You wounded them for life
You were a preacher and suppose to be above men

Sing with me

[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done


One of my favorite songs by them

So imagine this if you will, I’m sitting on the couch watching Edward Scissorhands and my mom points out the trash bag leaked on the floor I tell her that I’ll get it on the break and she comes back not even two minutes later flipping shit telling me I’m an “ungreatful bitch” that “never does anything right” and that she’s “tired of doing all the chores in the house cause I’m a lazy asshole that needs to stop acting immature” does anyone else think my mother is fucking crazy? Cause I fell like what she’s doing is completely uncalled for and rather juvenile… I’m tired of this….